Beyond love – key elements that sustain marriage
by Aisha Musa Auyo
Marriage is not just the union of people who are genuinely in love with each other. It requires a whole lot of other factors to keep it going. I can confidently tell you a marriage can exist without love if the other factors exist.
Our grandparents and generations before them have done it, and the divorce rate was meagre compared with ours. Their marital relationship is stronger than ours, and it wasn’t built on love. Theirs is a relationship built on patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in qadr, devotion, and peace. Not on lust. Not on love. Not on desire. Not on physical look. Not on avarice. It is almost the total opposite of marriage nowadays.
The sacrifices determine a strong marriage, a husband and wife’s struggles, and their ability to stay strong and patient. There is no marriage without problems, issues, or tests. Even in the noble house of our Rasul, SAW, they had problems, from small ones that involved petty actions fuelled by jealousy within the wives to bigger problems that involved an accusation of adultery levied against Aisha, RA, also known as the “event of Ifk,” which can be traced to surah An-Nur.
Couples should try not to give up when they are undergoing tests, DIVINE TESTS such as poverty, infertility, illness, polygamy, etc. Please understand that I am not saying we should condone HUMAN MADE CHALLENGES such as bad character, SERIAL infidelity (there may be exceptional cases of being victims or moments of weakness which should not be more than once), abuse of any kind, (mental, verbal, physical, or emotional), etc. We should be able to explore the fine line between Allah’s tests and man-made issues.
Allah says in the Qur’an, “We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who are in any difficulty or trial or tribulation that occurs to them or happens to them say: ‘Verily We are from Allah, and to Allah we return.’ They will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy, and it is those who are guided.” Al Baqarah.
The missed nuances in Northern Nigerian marriage culture emphasising materialism over the essential attributes of lasting matrimony have contributed immensely to the high rate of divorce in our community. Parents neglect the core aspects of marriage and pay more attention to the superficial and material aspects. Instead of counselling their kids on how to live with each other, the groom side will be busy making plans on ‘Kayan life’ and ‘gida na gani na fada’. The bride side will be busy buying expensive furniture and ‘gara’, ‘kada a rainamu’. The couples will be busy organising Instagrammable wedding events that will trend for a week.
At least, the bride’s family does not joke with kayan mata and little Nasiha on ‘Yi, nayi, bari na bari’, ‘Ayi haquri’. But on the groom’s side, no one says anything about how to live his life with the bride. Then, after all the events, reality sets in. Expectations not met. The pretence energy is exhausted. Before you know it, ‘hide my ID’, parents’ intervention and divorce will happen. The marriage will be dissolved in less than five years, with two or three innocent kids involved.
Many people would look at the marriages and successes of others and wish they were them, not knowing how much they struggled to get there, not knowing the sacrifices they made to become successful in their marriages.
I hope this will guide parents and couples in nurturing resilient marriages by shedding light on the struggles behind seemingly idyllic unions. May Allah make it easy for all those going through any hardships in their marriages and protect us from such calamities, amin.
Always remember that, with divine guidance and patience, weathering marital storms can lead to more robust, more enduring love.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.
Attire:
1. Laffaya turned gown, Eesher Auyo’s Empire
2. Veil, Eesher Auyo’s Empire
0 Comments